I’ve been wanting to open up more about something very close to my heart. Losing someone we love. All of us will experience it or have experienced it. Bereavement is real and painful. Certain dates and little details surrounding loss become unforgettable. All of life’s memories are forever divided by the loved one we lost and become categorized either before or after their death. In my case, it is my little boy, Peter Jude.
Every August 26th I can’t help but remember the day I went in for my 28 week check-up only to find out that there was no heartbeat and that our little boy had passed away around 26 weeks. I remember it was a Monday. I remember calling my husband, Andy and telling him there was no heartbeat and us crying together over the phone. I remember the 45 minute drive home and crying the entire time. I remember finally getting home and embracing Andy and him saying “We will get through this.” I remember the smell of our apartment because I had put something in the slow cooker earlier that morning. I remember calling my mom and with speaking just one word my mom knew something was wrong by the tone of my voice. I remember my bestie texting me asking if everything was okay like she knew something was wrong. I remember holding Fulton, my 2 year old and falling asleep next to him.
Every Aug. 27th I remember meeting with our priest who helped us while we grieved. I remember crying all day.
Every Aug. 28th I remember going to get Chinese food with my In-laws for lunch as it would be my last meal before induction. I remember it was hard to eat. I remember it was a Wednesday. I remember hugging Fulton goodbye and telling him mom and dad would be back later. I remember arriving at the labor and deliver desk and my husband telling them we were there for induction. I remember the nurse saying my belly was so little I didn’t even look big enough to be having a baby today. I remember the nurse apologizing because she didn’t know I had lost the baby. I remember being sent to our room and asked to get into a gown. I remember my doctor doing one more ultrasound to make sure she didn’t miss the heartbeat. I remember praying for some miracle that our Peter Jude was still alive. But he wasn’t.
Aug. 29th I remember contractions getting more intense. I remember the names of the nurses, Kathleen and Sandy helping me. I remember my husband praying with me and the nurses joining in. I remember pushing 2 times. I remember at 2:41AM on a Thursday, Peter Jude was born.
I remember holding him and thinking his little nose was the cutest button nose. I remember his dark hair. I remember his long fingers and big feet. I remember he weighed 1lb. 15oz. I remember the nurses taking photos of him. I remember kissing his little forehead one last time before they took him away forever. I remember being discharged from the hospital by Renee. I remember being wheeled out to the car in a wheelchair without a baby.
Sept. 2nd, I remember it was Labor Day. I remember the little casket he was laid in. I remember the Mass of Christian Burial we had for him. I remember all the friends and family that were there.
Today marks his 3rd birthday.
We remember him always, but especially today.
Many memories remain, however, we are no longer sad, but are thankful for the time God gave him to us. And now, a little soul exists for all eternity. We can carry on with the hope that we will find our little one again up above.
Is there someone you’ve lost and your heart is hurting? Please share if you want to. It helps to have someone to talk to when grieving. No one should have to grieve alone. The support I had from friends and family, and my faith in God when I lost Peter are what got me through it. I’ve learned that all trials are occasions for a deeper call to trust and love. I hope by sharing my story, to help others who are experiencing similar situations to know that there is healing after loss.